Doctor Of The Year

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain… good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!”

AND…..

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.  It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A young guy from Darwin moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, do you have any sales experience?

The kid says, yes, I was a salesman back home in Northern Territory.

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job, you start tomorrow.

I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down, how many sales did you make today?

The kid says,  One.

The boss says, just one?  Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

The kid says $161,237.64.

The boss says $161,237.64?  What the hell did you sell him?

First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Land Cruiser”

The boss said, the man came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?

Kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,  well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The donkey cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. If you’ve ever heard a donkey ‘cry’ you know how loud and upsetting it is.

Donkey Stuck In A Well

Finally, the farmer decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried even more loudly in panic and fear.

Then, to everyone’s amazement the donkey quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake off the dirt and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the donkey, he would shake it off and take another step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

***** MORAL OF THE STORY AND LIFE LESSON *****

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED …….

Enough of this ‘feel good’ crap.

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the donkey bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S REAL LIFE LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Donkey Gets His Revenge

Exponential Life Lesson:

Without getting too serious about this, life is what YOU make it to be.

I’ve attended more than my share of motivational events and programs and now stage them myself. I have seen both farmers and donkeys sitting in those seats.

The thing is some of those donkeys just can’t see they’ve put themselves into their own wells…

They keep screaming for help, but no one’s coming to their rescue because – you guessed it – they’re asses.

No one wants to help them out of the well.

Others unfortunately have fallen into the well (of disappointment, despair, discouragement, failure…) and instead of shaking off the dirt, they just sit there complaining, winging and blaming others instead of ‘looking for’ a way out AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Then there are the farmers who didn’t realise there are donkeys smarter than them who can teach them lessons.

There are smart farmers who knew how to solve this problem so they were able to deal with this situation stress-free.

There are exponential farmers who have a connection with their donkey and with just a ‘look’ it’s understood that the problem is solved, there is no panic and ‘she WILL be right mate’…

So your exponential lesson for today is to start looking for farmers, donkeys and asses.

You’ll quickly realise their destinies are pre-destined not by their FATE, but by their THOUGHTS, ACTIONS and REACTIONS.

Thank you Gavin for this priceless lesson – it’s as hilarious as it is valuable!